It's the end of a long, exhausting day and you've finally crawled into bed.
Rest is imminent.
But your partner is in the mood.
Sex is the furthest thing from your mind, yet you feel like you should. It's been a while, after all.
Obligatory or duty sex is sex you feel obliged to have, either out of guilt or to meet an expectation, explains Kassandra Mourikis, a sex and relationship therapist in Naarm/Melbourne.
"You don't want to feel like you are letting your partner down. Or you want to feel normal, because you've learnt that you need to have sex to be a good partner."
You might worry the relationship would be at risk if you don't have sex, she says.
"Sex becomes this obligation to fulfil and feel more like a chore — there's not really any wanting there."
Duty sex is most common in long-term relationships, Ms Mourikis says, but can also happen in casual relationships where sex is the basis of the connection.
If you're having sex when you don't feel like it, and it isn't sitting right with you, how do you break the cycle?
Is dutiful sex just maintenance sex?
Maintenance sex and dutiful sex feel emotionally — and even physically — different from each other, says Ms Mourikis.
"Maintenance sex is a choice to prioritise sex even when there isn't strong or spontaneous desire for it because you know that when you get there it's enjoyable, but getting started can feel like a barrier sometimes."
Maintenance sex is sex you are willing to have because it's important to you, she says, which differs from dutiful sex "which is an obligation and often tolerated or endured".
Sex as a "gift" also differs to duty sex.
Ms Mourikis explains sex as a gift with Betty Martin's Wheel of Consent, which shows the variation between willing and wanting.
"Sometimes there isn't heaps of wanting … or might not be our first preference … but willing is 'I know it's important to you, and sometimes I get pleasure from giving you pleasure.'
"'But I'm not going beyond my limits — and that limits conversation is important."
Tanya Koens is a sexologist and relationship counsellor based in the NSW Northern Rivers/Bundjalung Nation.
She says we do things for our kids we might not feel like, for example take them to the zoo, because we know they will enjoy it.
"Sometimes we do things because we love people or care about them."
But we don't often think of intimacy with our partners the same way, she says.
How obligatory sex differs from sexual coercion
There's a difference between having sex when you're not in the mood and sexual coercion — and that difference is consent.
Ms Mourikis says if you feel like you have to say yes to sex to stop someone pressuring you, "that's sexual abuse — that's not consensual sex".
Sexual coercion involves behaviour that is not always criminal but is usually abusive in some way.
While the line between obligatory sex and sexual coercion may seem "blurred", knowing where the pressure is coming from can help separate the two, suggests Ms Mourikis.
"Some people will feel like sex is something they owe their partner and there is that level of entitlement and power there … That pushes it more to coercion or pressure from somebody else.
"Coercion or pressure does come from an expectation, and there is a consequence for not having sex.
"There is also a power imbalance."
Ms Koens says an example of sexual coercion might be when there are consequences for a woman if she doesn't engage in sex, such as her partner becoming angry.
"Sometimes [the partner] is mean to the dog, or the kids, so the wife might have sex to maintain peace around the house."
For help you can contact 1800 RESPECT, the national body for supporting people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse.
You're not responsible for your partner's sexual needs
Ms Koens says there are many reasons people may feel obliged to have sex, but overarching is the societal conditioning that in monogamous relationships people are responsible for each other's sexual needs.
"Which is not true.
"I tell people every day: your partner is not responsible for your sexual needs."
Ms Koens also refers to duty sex as "pull my nightie down when you're done sex".
She says while it may be consensual, the person engaging in it doesn't really desire, or enjoy, the sex they're having.
And there are lots of reasons desire might be absent, Ms Koens says.
"I would be asking why you're not enjoy sex — is it very penis centric? Does your partner know your body? Have you had kids? Are you all touched out? Is your partner sharing the workload? Is there pain?"
Ms Mourikis says duty sex can build resentment and have long-term effects on a couple's connection because "limits are being overridden."
Stopping the cycle of duty sex
Understanding what is getting in the way of you wanting or enjoying sex is helpful to reflect on, says Ms Mourikis.
"Then also thinking about what kind of sex you might enjoy having, and being able to break the cycle. Can you actually set some limits here?
"What are you willing to do, are there certain things that feel OK and comfortable?"
It's helpful to communicate this with your partner, and or engaging the support of a professional such as a sex therapist, she says.
"Ultimately, are you able to bring up the conversation with your partner and talk about, 'This is what I am noticing, and I feel like I am just going along with sex, or feel a lot of pressure or anxiety around it, and I want us to change that'.
"If your partner is not on board to have that conversation, sex therapy can be great for that, but if they are not willing to talk about it [at all], you are more likely to continue having dutiful sex."
Ms Koens says you can approach the conversation by being curious about what your partner enjoys about sex, and then expressing what you like, and don't like — and how that makes you feel.
"They can't read you mind.
"[Talk about] how you can create conditions where you both want to show up and have a nice time together, and what would that look like?
"It might not look like a full porno film, but maybe soft, cuddly sex, or gentle touching.
"When you realise what each party expects, you might find that you think each other are expecting different things, and you won't know unless you talk about."
