Parents planning to separate are often concerned about how their children will cope with the change.
That is why, increasingly, couples ending their relationship are considering birdnesting, a co-parenting arrangement where children remain in the family home while parents alternate living there.
"There is preservation of the family home … rather than the children moving between two households," explains Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW.
"I'm certainly seeing more couples … who do at least raise it as something they could try."
Birdnesting, otherwise known as nesting or magpie parenting, may also happen for financial reasons, where a separating couple cannot afford a viable second property, or when they are unsure if the separation will be permanent.
But does it work? And what should parents consider before giving it a go?
The appeal of birdnesting
Wanting to reduce disruption for children is the most common reason for birdnesting, according to Gabriella Pomare, a family lawyer and co-parenting coach.
"They stay in their home, with their routines, toys, school, and space exactly the same, which promotes feelings of safety and security at a time of great change.
"Without the immediate stress of familiarising themselves with two new homes, bedrooms, and having to carry things back and forth, they can take time to adjust and process the separation."
Parents may have particular concerns at certain life stages, for example their child completing high school education, says Ms Shaw.
But she adds caregivers sometimes underestimate what their children can handle.
"Some people do it because they really feel their children can't handle the disruption, but generally they can, if the parents can."
For some, the cost of housing may mean birdnesting is their only option, Ms Pomare says.
"For some families, it's more affordable in the short term to keep the one home and rotate, rather than trying to fund and set up two complete households right away."
If done well, she says birdnesting can set a strong foundation for a respectful long-term co-parenting relationship.
Different birdnesting arrangements
A typical nesting arrangement is where the children remain in the family home full-time, and the parents rotate in and out, usually maintaining separate accommodation elsewhere when it's not their time, explains Ms Pomare.
In some cases, parents share a single off-site residence (such as a one-bedroom unit) and alternate between the two properties.
"[It] can be more cost effective, but requires a high level of cooperation and trust," Ms Pomare says.
A less common set-up is where one parent keeps a separate home full-time, and the other parent only returns to the family home during their time with the children.
"Some families even try a model where the parents remain in the home together but live in separate areas of the house," Ms Pomare says.
Where there is no second dwelling, Ms Shaw says parents may stay with family or friends when it's not their time with the kids.
'Only a short-term solution'
While birdnesting might be a "modern collaborative" approach to separation in families, Ms Pomare says she has "seen it fail more often than work".
Such arrangements only work if parents can communicate well, set clear ground rules and boundaries, and have an agreed plan for long-term parenting, she says.
"I have never seen and would never — ever — recommend a nesting arrangement long-term.
"The couples I have worked with that implement a nesting arrangement short-term following separation, ultimately cease the arrangement because of conflict, confusion, and a blurring of boundaries and inability to move forward."
It can break down for several reasons, she says, including jealousy, dating, cleaning and domestic habits, and different parenting styles.
"It gets tricky when privacy becomes an issue, or one person feels like the other is still in 'their' space.
"Things always change when new partners come into the picture, and if there's no clear end date or plan for what's next, the arrangement can drag on and cause more stress than stability."
Ms Shaw says while parents are putting the perceived needs of their children first, adults deserve privacy and their own space too.
"If a couple is always packing and moving backwards and forward, that becomes stressful.
"Grown-ups do need a safe place themselves, and do ultimately want to settle."
She says birdnesting may create opportunity for arguing to continue in front of children, which is the opposite of what parents might be trying to achieve: stability and safety.
"When couples have separated, they often have been arguing about domestics and fairness and so on — that may not have been the reason they separated — but when you live together you have a lot more reasons to be annoyed with each other day-to-day," Ms Shaw says.
"So someone coming back into the home and still not pulling their weight … that can become problematic and lead to more conflict in front of the children."
Things to think about
Before agreeing to a nesting arrangement, Ms Shaw recommends couples challenge any assumptions they have about why they are considering it.
"'It is true that we need to protect the primary asset in the way we are thinking about?'
"The idea that your children won't cope with change, you really need to say 'Is that true? Or is it us?'"
She says parents should consider if they are resolved about the separation, and amicable enough, to have a second shared property.
"It requires good boundaries, communication and cooperation.
"Those are the features often absent at tail end of a relationship.
"It's really being able to say 'Are we up for this?' Because the risk is it gives you more fodder for arguments."
Clear rules also need to be set. For example, is each parent only allowed in the family home during their time? Are visitors allowed at the "offsite" dwelling?
"If you can live by the rules in both homes, that can also build trust and build a more effective separation," Ms Shaw says.
Lastly, she recommends an agreement be made about how long they will nest for, and lock in a date for a formal review.
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