Are couples happier sleeping separately?

When Hannah's snoring "dialled right up" in pregnancy, her partner moved to the spare bedroom.

She's since had her baby, and sinus surgery, and rarely snores.

But 36-year-old Hannah and her partner, located in Hobart, have enjoyed sleeping separately so much, it's become a permanent arrangement.

"We actually love it and recommend to all couples," she says.

Recent data shows that 18 per cent of couples sleep separately — sometimes referred to as a "sleep divorce".

Despite many people like Hannah finding the decision improves their sleep — and their relationship — a "pervasive stigma" exists, explains Naomi Doyle, a family dispute resolution practitioner at Relationships Australia NSW.

"Sleeping separately is framed as a relationship issue but it's usually, before that, a sleep issue," she says.

Ms Doyle says the view that sleeping apart equals relationship problems overlooks research showing poorer sleep outcomes when sharing a bed.

Why do couples sleep separately?

The most common reason is to improve sleep quality, explains Ms Doyle.

"Things like sleep apnoea and snoring — especially if the other person is a light sleeper.

"Also movement, someone could be restless, or have a different sleep schedule, like someone is a shift worker."

Parents may choose to sleep separately if one is tending to the baby during the night.

"People might do it for a time then decide they love it and keep it that way," Ms Doyle says.

For some couples it's about embracing different bedtime rituals, or unwinding differently.

Health and changing attitudes can also influence sleeping arrangements.

"For women who hit a stage [perimenopause] where their temperature can be all over the place, their capacity to deal with other people can minimise," says Ms Doyle.

"And as people get older, there's less concern for that idea that only 'good couples' share a bed.

"There is a bit more reality that creeps in around practicality."

Sleeping separately may also happen if there is tension in the relationship, Ms Doyle says, for example if a couple is arguing.

It can also be about avoidance if there is disconnect, she adds.

"Especially if it hasn't been openly discussed and the decision to sleep separately has come from a loss of intimacy, or one person wanting to avoid that intimate space."

Why good sleep matters for your relationship

Good sleep has "enormous" flow-on effects for our relationships, says Isiah McKimmie, a couples therapist and sexologist.

"When we are tired, we're not at our best.

"If our partner kept us aware, we are understandably annoyed and snappy with them — and long-term it has consequences for our health and wellbeing."

Being well rested means couples have more energy to give to one another, she says.

Ms Doyle says she often hears people report that changing up their sleeping arrangement has been "the best thing they ever did for their relationship".

"We know a lack of sleep can snowball into other things … that irritability and resentment and impatience can escalate into conflict, which can then damage the relationship and put it into a more dangerous spot."     

Not everyone has the option of separate sleeping spaces, however.

"Sometimes people just don't have the luxury of the space to do that," Ms Doyle says.

A 'pervasive' stigma

Hannah says she's raised eyebrows on a couple of occasions when mentioning her sleeping arrangements, for example, when giving a house tour to friends and saying, "this is his room".

"I've definitely had people judge.

"I'm pregnant again and my friend was like, 'How did you even get pregnant?'"

But the idea that sleeping in the same bed is a sign of a bad relationship — or a lack of intimacy —"doesn't hold up", says Ms Doyle.

"It's very much something in our culture that can still have some stigma, but across the world there are all different norms around co-sleeping.

"Some cultures will have the whole family in the bed."

From the 17th to 19th century, it was common for married couples among the European upper classes to have separate bedrooms. It was a sign of luxury and status to sleep separately.

Are couples happier sleeping separately?

Contrary to the stigma, Ms Doyle says sleeping apart can improve your relationship if there is communication about preserving and prioritising intimacy.

She says sleep and intimacy have "very different functions".

"People can sleep separate and still have emotional and sexual connection."

She says while sleeping separately doesn't necessarily cause a loss of intimacy, that may depend on people's motivations "and how that is communicated".

Ms McKimmie says sleeping separately is "done well" when couples sometimes spend time in the same bed before sleep, then leave, or come in for that time in the morning.

They might prioritise sexual intimacy at other times of the day, she says.

She says rituals of connection are important, whatever that looks like for your relationship, adding it can be normal to feel hurt or lonely if you're not on board with sleeping alone.

Ms Doyle says couples can also arrange for "sleepovers".

If there is tension about sleeping separately, both our experts recommend speaking to a third party, such as a couple's counsellor or sex therapist, to talk things through.

"If sleep arrangements are a symptom of a deeper issue and it persists in terms of disagreement, counselling is a good way to address that," says Ms Doyle.